Out on a Limb

I am going to go way out on a precarious limb and talk about parenting teens, while still in the midst of this great joyous and painful experience. A popular psychologist and speaker on family issues once said that raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a wall-- in a word, frustrating. When I was awaiting my number one child, I had heard so many horror stories about those teen years that the first book I bought was one on parenting teens. I guess I had an inkling that there was a key component here that is universal in all stages of life; the title of the book—How to Really Love Your Teen. The book was helpful and I still draw on its wise words. But there is another book that is completely invaluable. The Gospels are a wealth of timeless parenting advice. What more can we do for our kids than love them like Jesus loves us?
The story of the rich young man (Mark 10:17-22) is a teaching on letting go of earthly attachments, but hidden in its words is a teaching on parenting so beautiful that it brings tears to my eyes. This young man was a really good kid and he had a desire to be close to God, and yet when Jesus told him the next step—give up everything he had-- he could not take it and walked away sadly. The parenting point here lies in Jesus’ response. Existing out of time, Jesus knew that the young man would not follow through. And yet, he looked at him with love. … and he let him walk away without a scolding.
Teens are standing at the brink of adulthood. This is essentially what is frustrating. They are capable of making adult decisions and choices. All the same, they will at times make childlike decisions and choices. Then there are the choices that come from some hormonal netherworld that no one understands, including teens themselves. I remember being fourteen and standing before my mother greatly desiring her help on some school work. I remember distinctly the war within me—as much as I wanted her help, I could not accept it. She was irritating me to my bone marrow. She responded by turning me loose, and I became one of the original unschooled teenagers of the seventies. Fortunately I loved to learn so it worked out for me.
I am not made of the stern stuff my little German mother possessed. I can’t cut my kids loose like this and our household has witnessed many a “to the mat” struggle, will against will. The times when we all win are those when I lift it up to God and give way. You really have to pick your battles. God created us with free will and he wants us to use it freely. Teens are learning to use their free will and too many fences don’t make for freedom.
There are two extremes of parenting. Being too light handed is essentially giving up on them when they still really need guidance. Over-parenting, exacting punishments for every little infraction, micro-managing, suffocates them. Every parent tends toward either extreme at times, but there is a lot of area that works in between. Here are some little insights I have gained over the last few years. Forgive your children and ask forgiveness as needed. Don’t be self-righteous. Teens need to know “why” not just “what.” Listen to them; they have real things to say. They are not an extension of their parents, but individuals. They will make mistakes, but almost any mistake can be fixed, and it is precisely when they are in the midst of a mess that they need the most love. Pray and pray some more. If they learn to love and be loved, you have taught them the most important lesson of all.
Now that I have written all this, here I am out on the limb. I can guarantee that within the next twenty four hours we will have an experience in our household that proves I can’t follow my own advice.
Some of the wisest words I have ever heard, were from a dear friend of mine. She talked about how much she worried when her boys were old enough to drive. Then one day she realized that as much as she loved them, God loved them more. (Thanks, Deanna)